Here's my oh-so-crappy poems. Updated frequently, due to the fact that I can't seem to stop writing them, no matter how much they suck...
First of all, some random scribblings from my poemy/song book thingy that are very, very unfinished:
¢¾ written in English class with Megan and Tara sitting in front of me
Every day I'm farther away
From everything I know
My heart gets smaller by the second
As I fade from the minds of those I thought I loved
Someone is slowly taking my place
And I'm finding it harder to care about anything at all
So I let go
Hopelessness fills empty spaces
Empty spaces from all the times I've been forgotten
So that you can all be happy
Because you are all so blessed
With the life I've always wanted
But I guess must not deserve
And I swear I'd kill to end this
Then all these problems would be solved
Yours, of a clinging fragment of the past that haunts you in its desperation
And mine, a lonely road I'm destined to walk for all my waking life
Oh I'd hate to hold you back from your glowing future
(As if I could be so important)
So take it, it's yours:
The life I prayed my heart out for,
The life I tore my soul out for,
The life I bled the pain out for,
It's yours, it's yours, it's yours
Just hand over the blade and I'll be gone
Spill the blood and it's over and done
¢¾ written in my room after my parents got the emergency room bill and I confessed to them I cut
Home early, Friday night
Feeling kind of empty...
He's reading the mail,
She's reading a book
All is well until he finds the bill
From the hospital trip on the day I fell apart
Now I've run to my room
Lock the door
Kill the lights
And he's asking all these questions
I whisper the answers in a shaky voice...
And though I can't see their reaction
I feel the tears in all our eyes
I swear I didn't mean to
I never really wanted to die
...Or did I?
Now the rain has begun to fall for the first time in weeks
And the tears in her eyes match nicely but it makes me sick
To watch the disappointment spill onto her cheeks
Lying in bed I still hear their hushed voices on the back porch
"If only she weren't so complicated..."
¢¾ written sitting in my room, thinking far too much and wanting to resort to cutting to deal with it
Infestation of the brain
Thoughts and worries taking over
Laying eggs in every corner
No end to the pestilence
And the exterminator is these pills
And he never gets every bug -
Not even half
And he charges blood for his services
¢¾ written in my car, parked outside the emergency room after I cut myself really bad, trying to decide whether or not to go in (I did, and I got 7 stiches)
Parking lot lights on the car
Orange like the setting sun
Did I really want that to be the last time I saw it?
Thinking as I turn the wheel and park beneath the flickering lamp
Do I really need to go in?
Did I really go too far this time?
I don't know I don't know
I don't know anything
Stop trying to play like you don't have a problem
It's there, trust me
Trust you
And how will they react?
Oh God I don't even want to think about it
To tell the complete truth about this is an impossible task
But the blood's still flowing -
I should be going
It looks so peaceful in there
God I hope they can help me
But no one can help me...
I see myself turning the engine off
And now I think I'm stepping out and confessing I am not all there myself
Scissors
I can't live but I can't die
Trapped in betweeen
And I don't know why
Unable to hurt
'Cause I can't even feel
Only pain can make this real
Hand over the scissors, hand over the blade
The old wounds have barely begun to fade
I'll do it fast
I'll slice right through
And watch the skin split in two
The tears will fall, the blood congeal
The pain will come
And I will feel
If I Go
If I were to leave
This very day
Would you have wanted...
Wanted me to stay?
If I just left
And never returned
I want to know -
Would you be concerned?
If I never came back
would you even care?
When I went away,
Would you wonder where?
Would you wish I'd come back
If only for a day
Just so you could tell me
All you didn't say?
If I left forever
Would you regret
The times that we shared
Or the day that we met?
Would you think about me
As you stared at the sky?
If I took my own life
Would you wonder why?
See that's all I'm asking
I just wanted to know
Would you even care...
If
I
Go?
Sepulchral
A thousand tombstones in the rain
My friend, I know you feel the pain
Of dying endlessly
But God won't let you die
So we hide behind facades of lies
Feel the raindrops outside your black coffin
They'll lock you in to save themselves
And you'll be smothered by the darkness
That you'd reveled in before
So fall with me into the abyss
Let the shadows seep through
And what will our gravediggers say
When their bloodstained intentions have all gone astray?
The crumbling epitaphs beckon so sweetly
The Questioning
What am I doing?
Where am I going?
I don't know who the hell I am
And I wonder if it's showing
How can I exist with no purpose?
How can I continue
hidden under the surface?
Children out there crying
Endangered species dying
Politicians lying
As I just sit here sighing,saying
'I don't wanna be lost anymore'
Broken world
Missing pieces
Can't I help you?
Can't I patch you up
And carry all your burdens?
I don't think I matter
As I sit and watch you shatter
Right before my eyes...
'Cause nothing really matters
In the end
The Dreamer's Dilemma
I dreamt about you the other night
And it was such a sweet reverie
Behind my glassy eyes
I know I'll never get to hold you in life
I made a mistake
And now these dreams are all I have
In my sleeping I looked up into your blue, blue eyes
And told you the truth
I've kept inside for so long
I said
"I need you
And I always will"
And you smiled and hugged me tight
Now every night as I close my eyes
I pray that the stars will find me curled up in your arms
With you in my dreams
'Cause that's the only place we can be together
And when I wake up and realize
It was all just a dream
I cry myself back to sleep
And the tearstained pillow leads me back to you
No matter how hard I try
I'll never forget you
You'll haunt my dreams until the end of time